Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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