This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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