I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
