I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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