i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
