3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
