Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
