I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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