I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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