She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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