So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
