I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
