you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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