Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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