Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
