after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
