we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
