I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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