I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
