you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
