Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
