i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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