Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
