watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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