I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
