wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
