i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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