I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
