Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
