You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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