last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I lost the right to judge tonight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
