Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
