If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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