I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
