I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
