Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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