Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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