He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
