There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I will die if light touches me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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