my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
