Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
