Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
