that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
