Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
