Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Randomize
