I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
