whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
