The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
