hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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