i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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