Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
